By: Bowie Rowan (they/she/he)
Yay! You have discovered your chosen name. Choosing a name that feels like home to you is an incredible way to honor yourself. It’s a way to begin to feel more at home within yourself and in the world. Whether you’re just starting to transition or feel as though you’re coming out for the millionth time in a new way, using your chosen name for the first time can be full of mixed emotions—excitement, fear, euphoria, dread, relief, and everything in between. I know I experienced a full spectrum of emotions when I chose to transition and change my name in my early 30s!
Everyone’s experience and circumstances are unique, but you’re not alone. A name change is a significant marker for many transgender and nonbinary people throughout their gender journey. Some people begin their gender journey by choosing to change their name. Some decide on a name change during or after their transition. Some change their name multiple times over the course of their lives, because that’s what feels right for them. No matter what your story and circumstances are, here are some tips for you to consider, based on my experience of using my chosen name for the first time.
Start slowly with yourself. There’s no rush.
I was driving to my favorite trail to go for a run when I suddenly saw myself in my mind’s eye, introducing myself to someone new as Bowie. I immediately laughed and smiled and thought, “Wow. That’s my name.”
Then, I spiraled. Did I want to change my name? Isn’t changing your legal name a lot of work? How will my friends and family take it? How will I go about all of that legally? Will my coworkers be cruel to me or box me out? Will I be able to afford it? My questions and fears went on and on.
Maybe your chosen name came to you in a flash like mine or you’re thinking about a few different names and aren’t sure how to pick. For example, at first I wasn’t sure if I’d choose to change my first and last name. I knew I was Bowie, but was I also ready to let go of my family name too? For me, that was a yes. I had a more difficult time figuring out what last name was best for me, but I eventually got there with the support of queer community.
There’s no rush in using your chosen name with others for the first time. Take as much as you need to get comfortable with your chosen name or try out a few names if you’re uncertain.
Some ways you can experiment with getting used to your new name is by changing how your computer or various online accounts greet you. I found this really helpful in adjusting to how it felt to use my chosen name on a daily basis! You can create a new email address with your chosen name and start using it to see how it feels. You may want to write letters or emails to yourself and see how it feels to sign off with your new name.
Seeing your name in a beautiful way can help, too. Buying a piece of jewelry or artwork or creating something that honors or uses your new name is another way you can get comfortable with using your chosen name.
Rely on your community for support.
For me, choosing a chosen name was about honoring myself and my identity, despite what others thought or wanted for me. But changing my name was also about engaging with others and how I wanted them to see and experience me. The idea of interacting socially and professionally with the world while using my birth name for the rest of my life felt terrible—unbearable, really.
Transitioning to my chosen name made me appreciate how important our relationship is with ourselves, but also how it’s fortified by our relationships, which is why being addressed by a name that felt right for me was so important.
Community can offer invaluable support when you first start using a chosen name. Maybe you’re not ready to come out to everyone, but there is a friend or a few friends whom you trust to start using your chosen name. You might lean on this person before you come out to your family or colleagues or larger social circle. Ask your community for support, whether they’re trans, enby, gender non-conforming (GNC), or allies, online or in person. You can also use your chosen name Plume’s online support groups if you’re not ready to share with those you know yet.
When I first came out with my chosen name, I only told a few of my closest friends. It took almost half a year before I felt comfortable using my chosen name more widely. In fact, I eventually felt I had to come out because a family member discovered my social circle was calling me by a name other than my birth name. Having friends and a therapist who could support me through that process was incredibly helpful.
By beginning to share your name with a small group of people you trust, you can ease into how it feels to be seen as and referred to in the way that feels right for you. It’s totally normal to feel uncertain, scared, completely euphoric, or to change your mind about your name! I experienced it all, and others have too. Take your time. You’ll figure out what’s right for you by taking one step at a time.
Share your name at work (but only if you’re ready).
Coming out at work and with your colleagues may feel all sorts of ways, depending on your particular circumstances. First, make sure you understand the protections in place for trans, nonbinary (nb or enby), and gender non-conforming folks in your state. If you have a human resources department, you may want to do some research for your peace of mind. Take time to decide what feels right for you in how much to reveal about your name change and how (or if) you want to come out.
I came out at work last, mostly because I was afraid of how it might impact my career. I work for a small company and as a freelancer, so I didn’t have a human resources department to turn to. For me, I felt most comfortable posting a message on Slack to the small team of my colleagues. I let them know I had changed my name and I looked forward to working with them on how to logistically figure everything out. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Shortly after that, my company made sure to offer workplace training that addressed gender issues and also the legal implications of discrimination based on sex and gender. Coming out and moving through the process with kindness and self-respect had a beneficial impact on my workplace. It has allowed me to do my job better and ensure that my company is being inclusive as it grows.
Some people choose to have one-on-one conversations with each of their colleagues about their name change. Some prefer to send an email or a message simply stating that they have changed their name. Others send a notification that their contact information has been updated; this usually happens because they worked with their human resources department behind the scenes.
If you have a colleague or supervisor you trust, talk with them first to discuss how best to approach coming out to your colleagues. Ask for their support in navigating the particular dynamics of your workplace. If you don’t feel safe or comfortable coming out at work, a support group is a great place to discuss how to manage your experience. When I was figuring out how to come out at work, I joined an online support group for trans folks. It provided great comfort and helpful support when I needed it most.
Coming out to your larger social circles is up to you.
Coming out can feel overwhelming. You may not want to have one-on-one conversations with every single person you know. I certainly didn’t! You also don’t owe everyone or anyone your story. Ideally, you get to define the terms and the boundaries of using your chosen name for the first time.
I was distraught and afraid when a family member discovered I was using my chosen name with my friends because I didn’t feel ready to come out to my extended family yet. It was a difficult time, but in some ways, it made it easier. I no longer had to juggle two names and identities. I also realized that I didn’t have to come out to everyone. No matter how people in my life learned about my chosen name, I deserved respect and kindness and understanding. I didn’t always get that, but the experience only solidified for me that I was doing what was best for myself, despite any feelings of confusion, hesitation, and doubt.
Eventually, almost a year after I first started using my chosen name with close friends, I decided to make a social media post about my name so my larger social circles were aware of the change. For me, doing this was cathartic and empowering—but it may not be for you. Many people prefer to have one-on-one conversations as they go about their lives or they trust that others will eventually find out through word of mouth.
You may not have a social media presence but would still like your larger circle of connections to know about your name change. Phone calls, texts, email, or snail mail—all modes of communication are acceptable ways to share this exciting and beautiful moment in your life.
Ask yourself, how do I want to come out? What feels best for me? You get to decide what brings you the most comfort and joy in sharing this news. Though I eventually changed my name everywhere I could publicly, I still often had to remind people.
To this day, I still have some family members who refuse to call me by my chosen name. Sometimes I have the energy to correct them and sometimes I don’t. In many ways, I’ve had to use my chosen name for the first time again and again, but with each time I remind people who I am, I remind myself as well. I’m Bowie. Others can call me something else, but I know who I am. That’s what my name change taught me.
The process of using my chosen name for the first time gave me a sense of self-respect that cannot be shaken, even when others don’t choose to respect who I am. Wherever you are in using your chosen name for the first time, ask yourself what feels best for you for each kind of connection and go from there while being sure to take care of yourself. We’ll be here, cheering for you every step of the way.
Bowie Rowan (they/she/he) is a writer and multimedia artist based in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Their work has previously appeared at Insider, Electric Literature, the Normal School, the Missouri Review, the Fabulist, and elsewhere. They love to write about failure at Ask a Failure and interview other writers on Swell. Currently, they’re seeking representation for their first novel and working on a memoir about travel, grief, gender, the environment, and joy. You can experience more of Bowie’s work and get in touch at bowierowan.com.
