Table of Contents
- Coming out is a big decision and can bring up many feelings
- You can come out on your own time
- Choosing whether to come out and who to tell
- How to come out as trans and/or nonbinary
- Preparing yourself for questions, confusion, or strong emotions
- Supporting a family member who just came out
- Take care of yourself and know you’re not alone
Coming out is a big decision and can bring up many feelings
For many of us, sharing our new identities with family members is a big step in the coming out process. Some of us are excited to share their joy and tell their loved ones we’ve decided to change our pronouns, name, or gender marker as a reflection of our identity. We may be relieved that we no longer have to hide. We may also fear rejection or misunderstanding. We may wonder if we will still be included in family events, or if choosing to live authentically will cause a rift. There can be some anxiety around making this decision. Know that you deserve to be loved on your own terms, just the way you are.
Coming out can feel like a huge personal milestone. It can also be intimidating. Knowing when to disclose your gender identity, what to say, and how to approach this personal and sensitive subject might feel overwhelming. This blog will help you think through how to come out to your family or tell other loved ones that your gender identity is transgender and/or nonbinary. It will also provide some resources to help you cope with any fears you have about coming out, as well as how to decide whether to tell your family or other people in your life.
You can come out on your own time
The term “coming out” means to share information about your gender identity or sexuality with other people. Some people also call this “disclosure.” Coming out might look like sharing your updated pronouns, name, or simply saying, “I am trans.” It might take the form of a conversation, text message, letter, phone call, or even a special pin or button. There is no “perfect” way to come out, only the way that feels right and safe to you.
Coming out may also not be a choice for some transgender people, especially those of us who use gender-affirming hormone therapy (GAHT, sometimes called HRT) or gender-affirming surgeries. These medical treatments create visible transformations over time throughout your body that can’t easily be hidden or ignored. For someone who is taking estrogen and/or testosterone blockers, skin changes, hair changes, and body fat distribution changes (including breast development) will cause you to look more “feminine” over time. People who take testosterone will also notice changes in their hair growth pattern as well as new body or facial hair, lower voice, and a changing body shape. People on GAHT may choose to come out before these changes become obvious, or they may wait until they feel comfortable.
Choosing whether to come out and who to tell
If you have come out to yourself and feel comfortable with who you are, you might wonder if you should share with other people in your life. It should always be your choice to come out or not. Some people don’t, and some families collectively ignore even noticeable changes. Some people choose to keep their gender identity private when they are with family members, at holiday gatherings, or when talking to relatives. Or, they may decide that only certain relatives can know about their identity. This is a common choice, although the feeling of leading a double life—or lying—can be stressful. Keeping up with who knows, who doesn’t, and who may have guessed might create new anxiety.
Some transgender people choose to remain “stealth,” never disclosing their identity; often, this means relocating and cutting ties with anyone who knew them prior to beginning medical transition. While this avoids the time-consuming and emotionally challenging process of “coming out,” it can create other stresses. According to the Gender-Affirming Health Program at the University of California-San Francisco (UCSF), disclosure is a primary mental health need. Feeling affirmed about coming out helps build a foundation of self-esteem and support that is important for mental health.
Planned Parenthood suggests coming out first to the people in your life that you think are likely to be the most supportive. Disclosing to them might be a lower-stakes way of practicing coming out than disclosing to someone who might be less immediately supportive. If someone has shared transphobic or ignorant views in the past, or reacted negatively when the topic has come up in conversation, you might not want to put them first on your list. If possible, seek out people who are likely to give you positive, affirming responses.
How to come out as trans and/or nonbinary
Some people choose to disclose on a case-by-case basis, while others announce it to the world. Everyone needs to make this decision for themselves. Regardless of that choice, know that you are valid. You do not have to disclose to everyone (or anyone!) in order to “be” nonbinary and/or transgender.
The Human Resources Campaign has developed a guide for coming out as transgender and/or nonbinary that recommends:
- Finding a supportive and caring community of people you share an affinity with, such as your friends or found family
- Making a plan for your disclosure or “coming out”
- Practicing the conversation before you sit down with the person you want to disclose to
Our community partner Point of Pride created a letter template for young people who want to come out as trans and/or nonbinary to their families. This letter works just as well for adults, grown children, or parents who are ready to talk to family members and friends about their gender identity. The letter includes space to talk about your specific identity, your hopes for your transition and your medical needs, and how you’d like to be treated. It also extends grace to family members who are learning to understand transgender people.
When you decide to come out, you might want to share your new pronouns, name, or what your gender identity means to you. You might need to explain gender related terms to your family. Here are some suggestions of what to include in your letter, from Point of Pride:
I identify as ________, which means _______.
Explain the proper definition of your gender, or use the most easily understood explanation for your gender identity that you feel your family will understand, such as “I feel like a girl on the inside.”
Please use my chosen name _____ and my pronouns, which are _____.
Share your name and pronouns with your family.
I plan to transition by _______. This is to help me feel more at home in my body as well as the world, and it’s a feeling I hope that you can understand.
Tell your family the ways you intend to transition, such as changes to the way you look, gender-affirming hormone therapy (GAHT), gender-affirming surgeries, and a legal name and gender marker change.
I’m still your child.
No matter what, you deserve to be loved and accepted.
Share some resources that might be helpful for families.
- GLAAD resource guide for allies
- PFLAG directory for parents, family members, and loved ones
- Gender Spectrum Lounge
- The Trevor Project
Sharing your name, gender identity, pronouns, or other personal information can be scary. It might feel challenging, especially if you have fears of rejection, judgment, or harm. When you decide to come out, take some time to seek support. While you can’t control how others respond to your disclosure, you can make sure you’re prepared to share this part of your identity.
You might prefer to break the news to your loved ones with a text, email, or phone call, rather than in person. That’s fine, too! If you think that your family might have a strong or negative response, take that into consideration. You might want to do it when you have the time or ability to get some space from them if the conversation doesn’t go well or if anyone has big feelings. You might not want to do it on the day of a big holiday or when lots of guests will be coming or when stress will be high.
Preparing yourself for questions, confusion, or strong emotions
Many people have a fantasy about the perfect “coming out.” They may hope for an experience like the one in a movie they’ve seen. Or they may feel inspired by hearing someone’s story on social media. While these stories or experiences are idealized, they are true for some people. There is no way to predict exactly what will happen, or exactly what your family will say or do when you come out. This uncertainty holds some people back from disclosing their gender identity. However, at some point, most of us must decide between living authentically in every area of our lives and continuing to pretend to be someone we are not.
Whether you write a letter, sit down with the person you care about, or send a carefully composed text, disclosing your identity is an act of courage. Knowing your authentic self is a gift that you can share with others. You don’t have to—but you may find that taking this step is an important part of your gender journey. You can always find support for this decision at Plume, plus resources that will help you choose how, when, or if disclosure is right for you.
Supporting a family member who just came out
If you are the parent, loved one, or family member of someone who just came out to you, here’s how you can be supportive. Coming out is a challenging process and takes a lot of courage.
First, know that disclosure can be a form of self-care. It can lower anxiety and improve mental health. When compared with transgender, genderqueer, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming youth who aren’t able to use their chosen name and associated pronouns in any context, young people who can safely use their chosen name in all four key contexts (school, home, work and with friends) experience a significant improvement in health outcomes, including:
- 71 percent fewer symptoms of severe depression
- 34 percent decrease in reported thoughts of suicide
- 65 percent decrease in suicidal attempts
Research also shows that respecting someone’s pronouns, which are part of their identity, decreases suicide risk by more than 50 percent. Feeling seen can improve self-esteem and even save someone’s life.
When your family member comes out, use their new name and pronouns. If you slip up, correct yourself and move on. You can also correct others when they make mistakes about misgendering your family member. Above all, let your family member know that you love them no matter what—and you’ll be there for them as they go through this important personal journey.
Take care of yourself and know you’re not alone
Coming out, or choosing to live as a visible, proud trans person, can come with risks and challenges. When you transition socially, your romantic relationships, family dynamic, workplace relationships, and other social environments may change, too. That is why disclosure is not something undertaken lightly. It is a decision that each person must make for themselves, and that each person has the right to make. Being “outed” or exposed is unfair and strips the individual of their dignity. While we may be afraid of the consequences of disclosure, those should be consequences we choose for ourselves, when we are prepared to experience them.
If you are grappling with coming out or feeling torn about letting the people in your family know that you are trans and/or nonbinary, you aren’t alone. These feelings might be a clue to take your time, doing some deep introspection to get to know yourself better before disclosing your identity. There is no wrong way to take on this process—only what feels right to you.
You never need to apologize for who you are. Take time to get to know yourself, learn what name and pronouns feel right, and explore what gender euphoria means to you. If you are looking for a safe space to talk about these choices or other aspects of your gender transition with other trans and/or nonbinary people, Plume Support Groups can support you. Our six-week, facilitated groups are free for Plume members—learn more about signing up here.
Telling your family that you are transgender might intimidate you. It’s OK to feel that way! Whatever you decide, remember that the people who know you are lucky to have you in their lives. You are one-of-a-kind, and you deserve to be known and loved on your own terms, with the words and actions that feel affirming and true to you.
