By: Plume Community Member
When did you come out as trans? How did you come out? What did you say? Who did you tell first? Who did you tell last? Every person who identifies as transgender or nonbinary has gone through the “coming out” process in some way—even if they chose to only come out to themselves. Admitting to yourself that you are transgender can create a deep shift in the way you think, behave, and feel. There is no “right way” to have this experience. It is as individual as you are.
Coming out can be exciting. Some transgender and nonbinary people don’t use the term “coming out.” Instead, they may describe the process as “inviting in.” That term reflects the deep trust, vulnerability, and caring that disclosure represents. It also shows that other people must be invited to celebrate our authentic selves—and like guests at a party, there are expectations for their behavior as well as ours. This blog post shares some of the ways that coming out can feel significant to people in the trans and nonbinary communities.
What does “coming out” or “disclosing” mean?
The term “coming out” means to share information about your gender identity or sexuality with other people. comes from the lesbian and gay community. It describes “coming out of the closet.” People who had not yet acknowledged or disclosed their identity publicly were described as “closeted.”
The first National Coming Out Day, which was celebrated on October 11, 1988, featured artwork by gay artist Keith Haring (he/him). In Haring’s illustration, a gender-neutral cartoon person kicks their way out of a closet and dances through the newly opened door.
Coming out isn’t the beginning (or the end) of the story for transgender and nonbinary people. For those of us in the transgender and nonbinary community, coming out can be a vulnerable and challenging time. There is a lot of emphasis on disclosure, which is another term that means sharing your gender identity with the people in your life. Coming out is often the beginning of our stories, but it is not the beginning of our experiences or self-knowledge as a nonbinary or transgender person.
You’re never too old (or too young) to be your authentic self
If you are deciding whether or not to disclose your identity, you might feel like you are “too old” or “too young” to come out. Know that people acknowledge their gender identity, change gender expression, update their pronouns, and change their names at every age. It’s never too early, or too late!
A number of studies have found that older trans people, who have faced a lifetime of challenges, including homophobia, transphobia, and “feeling constrained by heteronormative expectations” are incredibly resilient. The challenges do not prevent them from living their best lives. Finding support that will help you thrive and enrich that sense of resilience is key. Also, it is becoming more common among older transgender community members that “many male-to-female-identified people, often the oldest of the Baby Boomers, are seriously contemplating gender transitions in their later years.”
One woman, Jean Smale (she/her), started her transition at the age of 73. While her transition was initially something she kept private, she eventually chose to live openly and embrace her gender identity.
While some of us get to know ourselves later in life, others know very early on that we are “different.” The world’s largest study of trans youth showed that children aged 3 to 12 identified strongly with their gender identities. The study was run by University of Washington researcher Selin Gulgoz (she/her) and her colleagues. Their research demonstrated that trans people understand our gender from a very young age and choose clothes, friends, toys, and games that reflect our identity. The study also found that there is just as much nuance and diversity of gender expression among children as adults. For example, the 800 cisgender and transgender children interviewed for the study showed gender expressions such as “tomboy” and “high femme.”
Coming out can create possibilities for other trans people
As transgender identity becomes more understood and accepted, more people may feel comfortable and supported coming out earlier in life. A recent Gallup poll showed that half of all young adults (between the ages of 18 and 29) personally know someone who is transgender, such as a friend, relative, or colleague. More than 31 percent of Americans reported having someone in their lives who is transgender.
- 50 percent of people aged 18 to 29 know someone who is trans
- 31 percent of people aged 30 to 49 know someone who is trans
- 24 percent of people aged 50 to 64 know someone who is trans
- 19 percent of people over 65 know someone who is trans
As more people disclose their identity and choose to live “out,” it can create greater openness and awareness toward gender diversity. Each disclosure opens the door for the person beside you and enables them to feel empowered to “come out,” too. Sharing these stories honestly and talking about what happened is crucial for building community and lifting awareness.
Sharing your identity is the ultimate expression of trust
Knowing and claiming your gender identity can feel like a complex, challenging process. While some people live as their authentic self both publicly and privately their whole lives, some of us need longer to accept our identities. This process can take years for some people and no time at all for others.
One transgender person said, “My first ‘coming out’ was in a Facebook post. My friends have been cool; they generally use the right pronouns once that was explained and they all call me my chosen name now which is just wonderful. Now on the internet and in association with peers and fan culture, I am out. The people I am not out to generally include adults, such as coworkers or friends parents, and my own family – I don’t feel that, as the average person (and not in a more accepting youthful age), they would really ‘believe’ in nonbinary genders or understand me saying that I am one.”
Everyone chooses to handle the coming out process differently. Disclosure may be a one-time event, but “coming out” is an ongoing process that manages how someone’s gender identity is perceived socially. A 2019 study that interviewed 20 community members showed that transgender people do not simply decide to “come out of the closet” and then stay out. The study showed that trans people may choose to be visible in some contexts—like choosing which bathroom to use—and not in others. These decisions about whether or not to be “out” can be based on safety, convenience, or sense of security.
Finding support while you’re coming out
If you’re navigating this powerful and personal process, know that you’re not alone. Every Plume Member gets access to a six-week series of support groups as part of their Membership. In these weekly groups, Members can meet and talk with folks who have a lot in common with them, such as nonbinary identity, people with questions about testosterone and estrogen, folks who are questioning their gender identity, and others. Each group is a safe, confidential space facilitated by a trained community member. To learn more about Support Groups and sign up, click here!
Co-founded by one of the leading voices in transgender healthcare, Dr. Jerrica Kirkley (she/her), Plume is the #1 gender-affirming healthcare provider in the world. Plume provides care and support for gender transition. Our services include gender-affirming hormone therapy (GAHT, sometimes called HRT or hormone replacement therapy) such as estrogen and testosterone prescriptions for transgender, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming individuals. Plume also provides specialized health care for the trans community that includes peer support and medications for treating anxiety and depression. To become a Plume Member, click here.
