Sharing your preferred name, pronouns, and gender is a personal process that should always put your mental health first. If you’re wondering, “How do I come out and still feel safe?” this guide may be able to help!
Depending on your social environment or how far you are into your transition, it may feel difficult to tell people you are transgender, nonbinary, or gender non-conforming (GNC). Once you know that you’re trans, you may have identified some important factors of your identity. You may have chosen a new name and pronouns, contemplated changing your personal style, or spent time imagining what it would be like to live in alignment with your identity.
So you know, many trans and nonbinary people cope with gender dysphoria. This is a medical term for the feeling of being misaligned with your gender identity. Gender dysphoria can make it hard to express your identity. It’s common to feel “muddled,” or feel like you don’t know what you really want yet. Gender dysphoria can feel like wearing a mask, or like you have a blanket over your head. If you feel that way, you’re not alone. You don’t need to know everything about yourself or have a “perfect” conception of your gender identity. You are the expert—but you don’t have to have all the answers. You are allowed to evolve.
For example, maybe you’ve realized you identify as MTF or FTM. Maybe you realized you lean toward genderfluid or gender non-conforming (GNC) gender expressions. Maybe you are doing research on gender-affirming surgery (which some people call gender confirmation surgery, genital surgery, or top surgery). Maybe you know that you’re trans or nonbinary but do not yet know what feels right. All of that is normal and fine! You can take your time to explore your identity at your own pace.
Making even small changes for yourself can be affirming. Now, you may be figuring out the best way to share your choices with others. This process is called social transitioning, because it changes the way the people around you interact with you. So, how do you come out? Is there a right way or wrong way? Will coming out be risky or overwhelming? Considering your mental health is key to achieving the open and authentic life you want.
Think about the outcome you want
How would you like to feel when you come out? At Plume, we think of “coming out” or “disclosing” as an ongoing process. It isn’t something you do, check a box, and then it’s over.
Most of us come out in different ways, to many people, and in many situations, for our whole lives. You might be disclosing your identity to a new romantic partner. Or reminding a family member about your pronouns.
Coming out is often talked about like it’s the first day of your transition, but that isn’t true for everybody. You can be out to some people and not others. You can be on HRT for years and live undetected, or “stealth.” Everyone’s situation is different.
Regardless of where you are in your transition, get a clear idea about what you want from others before disclosing your identity. Social transition, or coming out to the people in our lives, usually happens because we hope to be treated differently. Maybe you have some specific changes that are more affirming for you. For example, you might want to wear more gender-affirming clothing and use your new pronouns—and you want your loved ones to understand why you need that kind of support. Or perhaps you want to ask your family if they will help you through the process of transitioning with surgery or hormones.
Whatever your situation is, take some time to think about your needs and goals. This is key to understanding what you want from disclosing your identity.
Start slow and take your time
If you are disclosing your gender identity for the first time ever, be gentle with yourself. You might want to shout your new self-understanding from the rooftops! Instead, start small.
So you know, many trans and nonbinary people come out in stages. For example, many of us come out online or to strangers before we tell our families. Practicing in low-stakes social interactions might feel right to you at the beginning. Disclosing to a stranger could be as simple as wearing a pronoun pin or putting your chosen name in your bio. You don’t need to share any other details—you’re just showing others how you’d like to be called.
As you get more comfortable, you might feel ready to tell someone you know about your gender identity. The context of coming out changes, depending on who it is. Spend some time thinking about or journaling about how it might feel to disclose to:
- Your closest friend
- Different members of your family
- People and teachers at school
- Co-workers
- Members of your spiritual or religious community
Maybe it seems obvious, but each time you share this personal information about yourself, you might expect different responses. Because of this, it’s important to take your time and try to let go of any specific expectations. Coming out one-on-one might feel less stressful for this reason. For example, maybe you aren’t ready to tell your whole family at once. In that case, you might share your identity with your closest sibling, cousin, or grandparent first—whoever seems like they would be the most accepting.
Depending on who you tell and how much detail you feel the need to give, you can figure out when and how to best tell each person or people you want to know. Not everyone needs (or deserves!) to know everything about you. You can take your time and choose the moment that feels right to you. Once you figure out who would be most open to your disclosure, take some time and reflect on how to best tell that person.
Put your mental health and safety first
For some of us, choosing when, how, and to whom to come out is a privilege. Being able to choose is special for this reason. Some of us are outed without our permission. Some of us have family members who “know” about our identity long before we have the words for it ourselves. We can be clocked at different times and in different ways. This can feel affirming at times, and violating at others. Coming out on your own terms is a powerful choice.
You never “have to” disclose your gender identity. When you decide to share your identity with your larger community—family, peers, or gender-affirming health care provider—make sure you put your mental health and safety first. You might want to move forward with telling others only after finding support from your inner circle. But remember, this process is about you. It’s not about helping others feel more comfortable. It’s about your personal journey and who you decide to include in that.
Knowing what is best for you in your own body and situation is key. Don’t rush to disclose your identity if you feel it would lead to a less safe or more stressful situation. Use your best judgment. If coming out feels risky, listen to your instincts. If you don’t feel safe about the people around you now, it’s okay to wait. Know that this can change over time. There will be people out there who will use your preferred name, pronouns, and respect your transition goals.
Don’t forget that you deserve to be respected and seen. If you’re looking for support, Plume offers peer-facilitated support groups where you can meet folks who are also on their own journey of transition. Learn more about the groups here.
Aleena Ortiz (he/she/they) is an independent world traveler, freelance writer, and contract book reviewer at Foreword Magazine. They obtained a Bachelor of Arts in Religion with a focus on Buddhism, Daoism, and Shintō at Reed College in May 2021. Eager to explore fictive worlds with respect to cultural sensitivity and the complexities of human emotion, he has published over 1 million words online over the last decade. Aleena strives to create space for nuanced understanding of historically underrepresented groups through her analyses of media and in fiction writing.
As the largest provider of gender-affirming care for the trans and nonbinary community, Plume is committed to providing information about many types of information, including questions about hormones like estrogen and testosterone, gender transitioning tips and experiences, and guidance on social transition and self care.
While we strive to include a diverse range of voices and expertise, not everything will be for every person. Each individual’s experience is unique, and the information Plume provides is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Always first seek the advice of your primary and/or specialist physician, the Plume Care Team, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, your mental health and emotional needs, or your health care needs regarding gender-affirming hormone therapy. If you are experiencing an emergency, including a mental health crisis, call 911 or reach out to Trans LifeLine.
