Some books feel like old friends. This one feels like a love letter. For this month’s Trans Bookworm Series, we explore We Both Laughed in Pleasure by Lou Sullivan. He’s one of the first known trans men in the U.S. to speak openly about being gay, and to push back against the idea that trans men had to be straight to be valid. But calling it a diary doesn’t quite capture what it is. It’s raw, romantic, messy, erotic, hopeful, heartbroken, and deeply alive. You’re not just reading Lou’s story, you’re living alongside him as he figures things out.
And what better time to share Lou’s words than during Pride? He spent his life pushing back against systems that said you couldn’t be both gay and trans. He wrote to understand himself, but he also wrote for us. For future trans people who might be searching for a mirror, a map, or a sense of belonging.
This isn’t just a piece of trans history. We Both Laughed in Pleasure is a reminder that we’ve always been here, wanting, loving, and dreaming.
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Gender as Self-Determined Truth
From his earliest entries, Lou questions the binary norms he’s been handed. There’s a quote from when he was just 13 years old that illustrates this:
“I wanna look like what I am but don’t know what someone like me looks like… I want them to think—there’s one of those people that has their own interpretation of happiness.”
Lou wasn’t just trying to “pass” or conform. He was exploring gender as a deeply personal truth. He was figuring out who he was on his terms, even when there wasn’t a clear path or language for it yet. That kind of clarity and self-trust (especially in a world that kept telling him he didn’t exist) feels incredibly powerful, especially for trans folks who’ve ever felt unseen or erased.
Being a Gay Trans Man: Desire as Defiance
Lou is unapologetically queer. His erotic longing for men, his cruising stories, his reflections on gay life in 1970s and ’80s San Francisco shatter the myth that trans men must be heterosexual or that transitioning somehow “erases” queerness. He fought to transition as a gay man at a time when the medical establishment refused to believe that was even possible.
His refusal to compartmentalize his gender from his desire is still revolutionary. Lou was told again and again that he couldn’t be both gay and trans, that those identities didn’t belong together. But in the final years of his life, as he lived with AIDS, he was cared for by the very gay community he always knew he was part of. There is something quietly powerful about that full-circle moment.
Activism Rooted in Lived Experience
Lou wasn’t just writing for himself. He knew his life could be a lifeline for others. He founded FTM International in 1986, which became the first advocacy group of its kind. He also authored informational pamphlets and biographies, tirelessly working to make transmasculine lives visible.
What makes this part of his story so resonant is that he did it while fighting for his survival. He lived with HIV, endured discrimination from doctors, and still chose to speak out and organize. His life reminds us that sharing our stories and experiences is a form of activism, especially when systems try to erase us.
Legacy of Love, Lust, and Longing
Lou’s writing is intimate and erotic. We Both Laughed in Pleasure doesn’t sanitize his desires, his heartbreaks, his flings, or his fantasies. And we love that! We’re so often handed tragic, desexualized portrayals of trans lives. Lou’s diaries insist on the full spectrum: pleasure, eroticism, romantic yearning, and all the awkward and electric moments in between.
This is crucial. Trans people deserve to see ourselves as desirable and desiring, not just surviving. Lou’s diary entries say: We’ve always been here and we’ve always wanted and been wanted.
Even as Lou writes about dying, he’s also writing about living. He reflects on music, friendships, kink, writing, and joy. There’s sorrow, yes, but also so much humor and tenderness. One of the most lasting impressions is how deeply alive Lou was in every moment. He wrote himself into being and gave others permission to do the same.
Why This Book Matters, Especially During Pride
Pride began as a protest, but it also asks us to celebrate who we are. Lou Sullivan’s diaries are a roadmap for doing both at once. They show us a man who refused to choose between his gender and his sexuality, who fought for medical and social recognition, and who documented it all with such dazzling honesty that you feel like he’s speaking right to you.
So, whether you’re deep into your gender journey, just figuring things out, or simply curious, We Both Laughed in Pleasure offers something rare: a trans elder in his own words, laughing, lusting, longing, and living on the page. He’s still teaching us how to be free.
