Having relationships with old friends and unsupportive family members who may struggle to understand or accept your gender identity can be emotionally challenging. Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of self-care and maintaining your mental and emotional well-being. Let’s explore strategies for setting boundaries with compassion and assertiveness when faced with individuals who don’t fully embrace all aspects of you.
Fun fact: Plume membership gives you access to a six-week series of Support Groups. Each of your group’s six, once-a-week sessions will be guided by a Plume-trained facilitator who is trans or nonbinary. The groups are intimate and create a safe, cozy space where you can work through some of your big questions. Each group will include people who have experiences in common with you, such as also taking estrogen or testosterone, being Black and trans/nonbinary, and more to come.
Table of Contents
Setting boundaries
Boundaries are essential guidelines that define acceptable behavior and interaction limits in relationships. They serve as protective measures to safeguard your emotional and psychological health. When you set boundaries, you are clearly communicating your needs, values, and limits. Effectively communicating your needs can enable you to maintain healthy and respectful relationships, even amidst differences in understanding and acceptance. While direct communication may not always lead to immediate resolution, it’s an important step in asserting your identity and setting boundaries with your unsupportive family members or peers.
Making the time
Find a quiet and private space to have an open and honest conversation without distractions or interruptions. Choose a time when you and your family/friend are calm and able to focus.
“I” statements
Be clear and direct about how you feel without being confrontational. Use “I” statements to communicate how their actions make you feel and why using your correct name and pronouns is important to you, including what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable when interacting with you.
Education
If possible, come prepared with some additional education. Some folks may not fully understand transgender identities and the significance of using correct names and pronouns. Take the opportunity to educate them about transgender issues and provide resources if needed.
Active listening
While it can be a tense situation, try to allow your family members or friends to express their thoughts and feelings. Listen without interrupting to try and understand their perspective, even if you disagree with it. While it’s natural to feel frustrated or upset when discussing topics like identity and boundaries, it’s important to remain calm and respectful throughout the conversation, even if emotions run high.
Focus on solutions
Instead of dwelling on past conflicts or grievances, focus on finding solutions and moving forward. Brainstorm together on how they can better support and respect your identity.
Follow up after the initial conversation
Check in with your family members or friends to ensure that they understand your expectations and are making an effort to respect your identity. Be prepared to reinforce boundaries if necessary. This can be a few days or a few weeks after (you decide what makes sense).
Enforcing boundaries
Since not everyone will always honor these things despite your communication, having boundaries also includes having a follow-up response when boundaries are crossed. Following through with enforcing a consequence can prevent the other person from feeling as if they can continue to overstep your boundaries in the future. Choose consequences that feel appropriate for your situation and that align with your boundaries and values. Remember, implementing consequences aims to assert your identity and protect your well-being. Boundaries may evolve over time; you can always reassess and modify them as needed. Examples of responses to your boundaries being crossed can include:
Limiting contact
You could choose to limit the amount of time you spend with unsupportive family members who refuse to respect your identity. This might mean declining invitations to family gatherings or reducing the frequency of phone calls and visits.
No contact period
You might decide to take a temporary break from communicating with individuals who consistently disrespect your name and pronouns. This could involve a period of no contact until they are willing to acknowledge and respect your identity.
Setting terms for events
You could establish boundaries for family events, making it clear that you will only attend if your name and pronouns are respected. If they are not, you may choose to leave the event or decline future invitations until your identity is acknowledged.
Educational requirements
You might require unsupportive family members to educate themselves about transgender issues and the importance of using correct names and pronouns before allowing them back into your life or resuming regular communication.
Involving a third party
In more serious cases where direct communication has failed, you might involve a trusted mediator, counselor, or family member to help facilitate discussions and ensure your boundaries are respected.
Transitioning can be a challenging journey, especially when faced with resistance from loved ones. However, you are not obligated to tolerate behavior that undermines your identity. By setting and enforcing consequences when boundaries are crossed, you assert your right to be treated with respect and dignity. Surround yourself with individuals who embrace and affirm your true self, and never hesitate to prioritize your well-being above all else.
