We live in a world that sends trans people a lot of harmful messages. Over time, those messages can take hold in our thoughts and self-image. Even when we’re working to undo them, they can resurface in subtle ways you might not expect. For many trans people, shame and internalized transphobia stick around even after coming out or transitioning. And we don’t always realize it’s there.
You deserve to live proudly and without the weight of internalized transphobia. Let’s learn how to start noticing those feelings, and more importantly, start letting them go.
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Internalized transphobia is when negative beliefs about trans people start to shape how you view yourself. It’s what happens when transphobia from the outside world gets into your head and makes you question your worth. It can sound like:
- “I’m not trans enough.”
- “I’ll never be seen as my real gender.”
- “I should try harder to blend in.”
None of this means there’s anything wrong with you. These are survival responses in a world that’s often unkind to us.
Internalized transphobia is often rooted in something called internalized cissexism: the belief that being cis is better, healthier, or more natural than being trans. We’re surrounded by this message constantly, in the media, healthcare, schools, and even in casual conversations. It’s not surprising when those beliefs start to feel like our own.
If you’ve ever felt like you needed to “pass” to be taken seriously, or that you should keep your identity quiet to avoid making others uncomfortable, that’s internalized cissexism at work. You didn’t create these ideas, but you can choose to question them.
Signs You Might Be Carrying Shame or Internalized Transphobia
Not everyone experiences it the same way, but here are some common signs:
- Feeling like you have to prove your gender to others
- Believing there’s a “right” or “better” way to be trans
- Thinking you’re not trying hard enough to transition
- Feeling guilty or embarrassed when you talk about being trans
- Assuming people won’t accept or love you because of your gender
- Feeling like you have to medically transition to be valid
- Hesitating to correct people when they use the wrong name or pronouns
- Thinking you’ve “failed” if you’re not visibly transitioning
- Avoiding other trans people because you feel like you don’t measure up
- Not transitioning or not coming out because you don’t want to “burden” others with learning your name or pronouns
Recognizing these signs isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about becoming aware so you can begin to heal.
Learning to Let Go
Letting go of internalized transphobia doesn’t mean pretending it was never there. It means being honest with yourself, then choosing something different.
Remember that feeling internalized transphobia comes from other people’s beliefs and systems that try to define who you’re allowed to be. Letting go of it doesn’t mean forgetting how it got there. It means recognizing it’s not your fault, and deciding to release what no longer serves you.
Letting go is an active practice. Here are some ways to start:
Catch the Thought
Pay attention to when you feel uncomfortable or unsure. Ask yourself: Is this feeling coming from me, or from something I was taught? Noticing the thought is the first step.
Reframe It
When you hear that critical voice, try responding with something kinder:
- Transform “I’m not trans enough.” to “There’s no wrong way to be trans.”
- Transform “No one will love me like this.” to “I am worthy of love and care.”
Connect with Supportive People
Being seen by other trans people is powerful. Whether it’s a friend, a support group, or a creator online. Find people who remind you that you’re not alone and that you don’t need to shrink yourself to be accepted.
Celebrate Yourself
You don’t need a milestone to feel proud. You can be proud just for showing up today. For being honest about who you are. For continuing to try, even when it’s hard. Let yourself feel that.
Learn and Unlearn
Internalized transphobia often feeds on narrow ideas of what transness looks like. Push back against that. Read trans stories. Watch trans creators. Notice the variety and richness of our community. Your identity doesn’t need to fit a mold.
Letting go might look like:
- Wearing what makes you feel euphoric, even if it might get you a few stares
- Correcting someone who misgenders you and not feeling guilty about it
- Asking a doctor to use your correct name, even if your chart hasn’t caught up
- Not explaining your pronouns like a lesson plan, just stating them and moving on
- Laughing at an old fear you used to believe, like “they’ll never take me seriously.”
- Saying no to being called by your deadname, even if it feels “awkward”
- Choosing photos of yourself where you actually look happy, not just “presentable”
- Feeling joy when another trans person shines, and knowing their light doesn’t dim yours
- Taking up space in a room you used to shrink inside
- Letting your voice, your body, your story be yours without apology
These aren’t small things. They’re big acts of self-trust. And they build on each other.
You don’t need fixing. You don’t need to earn your identity. You are already enough. Internalized shame might tell you otherwise, but you’re allowed to unlearn that. You’re allowed to live without carrying other people’s fears.
Shame is heavy, but it’s not permanent. With time, support, and care, it can get lighter. The thoughts that once held you back won’t always have power over you. You don’t need to be perfect to start healing. You just need to keep showing up for yourself.
You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to feel proud. And you don’t have to carry shame with you. Your journey is yours to define!
