Acknowledging and honoring your trans identity is a huge step in your gender transition. Saying “I’m trans” for the first time means you have made a decision to express your true self in public. Some people experience this moment as a celebration. Other people wait or choose their moment carefully, since it can feel risky to come out. Making this choice can be challenging, especially if you are experiencing the sense of constant pushback (internal and external) that is unfortunately still a common part in the trans experience.
When you say “I’m trans” for the first time, you are choosing yourself and your identity. But before you take this step in your gender journey, you might have some questions. Is the risk or the “trouble” of claiming trans identity worth it? Is it safer to stay in the closet? Is living as the gender you were assigned at birth better for you going forward? How do you actually tell people that you’re trans, nonbinary, or genderfluid?
While it is true that coming out can feel like a complicated step, there is much more to gender-affirming expression and self-acceptance than you think. It does not have to rely on getting validation from friends, family, or peers— though these are great assets to have. This article discusses the most common barrier to coming out and how to cope.
Erase your self-doubt and embrace self-love
The number one factor that keeps folks from claiming their space is self-doubt. Even if you know inside who you are, the feeling of doubt is a huge negating factor. You may worry about being or seeming authentic when self-identifying as trans. You may worry that you don’t seem “trans enough” or that nobody will believe you. Perhaps you worry that your experience isn’t the trans experience or that it isn’t typical. Maybe you worry that sharing your identity would cause hardships for yourself or your loved ones. Even if everyone seems to know that you are trans, you might feel anxious about putting a label on yourself.
For folks who lean toward nonbinary self-identification and gender expression, it can also feel challenging to come out. You might worry that revealing your feelings of gender nonconformity might lead to getting shut down. If you don’t fall into a binary category, it can be hard to explain that to someone who doesn’t understand what your transition might look like or mean to you.
These are very normal worries to have. Most of us have coped with self-doubt at some point in our gender transition. The first time you say “I’m trans” or disclose your identity is a big deal. You are allowed to work through your emotions in a way that feels right to you.
Tell yourself the truth about who you are
First of all, slow down. Before you worry about coming out to anyone, be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. You might consider writing in your journal, discussing your emotions in a Plume Support Group, or reflecting in supportive meditation. Know that whether you identify as “trans,” “nb,” or simply “gnc,” your feelings are valid.
As you process your feelings, take time to notice why you are questioning your gender identity. Where does your uncertainty or fear come from? Why does naming your identity feel right for you? How would you like to be seen by others? What could your friends, loved ones, and community members do to help you through this moment?
Once you have a better idea of what you are feeling, talk with someone in your community whom you trust. Remember that it’s okay not to tell anyone until you are completely comfortable and ready!
It is very common to feel like coming out will make your loved ones worry about you. It’s also fine to feel like you’re not sure about your gender identity, or wonder if others will understand or accept your feelings. Maybe you just don’t see the point in bringing it up with certain people, and that’s entirely okay, too. Know that coming out is something that is a personal choice. As soon as you acknowledge your identity to yourself, you have started the process of disclosing your identity.
Your journey is yours to experience
Try not to compare your feelings or your situation with other people’s. The way that “coming out” is discussed online, on TV, or among your friends is not the only way to come out. Some people throw gender reveal parties for themselves. Others just quietly change their gender marker on their legal documents. Each person should get to decide for themselves how to take this step.
If you’re looking for help explaining your gender identity to your family or loved ones, check out this article. Written by an agender Plume community member, it offers a step-by-step guide for allies who care about us.
Community is key for helping you feel seen
There are many spheres of interaction to navigate when disclosing (or not disclosing!) your trans identity, experience, and feelings. Whatever you’re feeling, we recommend building a community to help you navigate it. This community can be in-person or online. It can be something as simple as finding a forum, exchanging or just reading information written by other trans and gender non-conforming people on the internet.
Hearing other people’s stories can clarify your own gender transition goals. It can also help you name which identity and experiences align most closely with your own. Everyone is unique, so you might not find an experience that is perfectly identical to yours. However, having a sense of clarity, direction, and community will help you figure out if and how you want to express your gender going forward.
After sorting through your own feelings and doubts, you will feel much more confident in telling your loved ones and/or your community how you would prefer to be addressed, how to best support you, and what gender-affirming treatment you want to include in your transition.
Whether you choose to tell other people or not, that doesn’t make you less trans. You can still live authentically even if it isn’t safe to tell everyone right now. Coming out is for you, your dignity, and your peace of mind. It isn’t for anyone else. When you take this step, know that you’re honoring your own needs and speaking your truth—for yourself.
Aleena Ortiz (he/she/they) is an independent world traveler, freelance writer, and contract book reviewer at Foreword Magazine. They obtained a Bachelor of Arts in Religion with a focus on Buddhism, Daoism, and Shintō at Reed College in May 2021. Eager to explore fictive worlds with respect to cultural sensitivity and the complexities of human emotion, he has published over 1 million words online over the last decade. Aleena strives to create space for nuanced understanding of historically underrepresented groups through her analyses of media and in fiction writing.
As the largest provider of gender-affirming care for the trans and nonbinary community, Plume is committed to providing information about many types of information, including questions about hormones like estrogen and testosterone, gender transitioning tips and experiences, and guidance on social transition and self care.
While we strive to include a diverse range of voices and expertise, not everything will be for every person. Each individual’s experience is unique, and the information Plume provides is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Always first seek the advice of your primary and/or specialist physician, the Plume Care Team, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, your mental health and emotional needs, or your health care needs regarding gender-affirming hormone therapy. If you are experiencing an emergency, including a mental health crisis, call 911 or reach out to Trans LifeLine.
