By: Micah Fletcher (they/them)
When you transition, the people around you might wonder how to be supportive. They might want to be allies, or they may feel unsure about what you’re going through. Feel free to share this helpful resource with them. This guide is written for the people in your life. It should help make it easier for you to talk with them about what you need.
The world of gender identity and transition can be an exciting (if a bit scary) experience for folks in the community, including allies and family members. When someone begins their transition, they aren’t just coping with dramatic inner changes. They’re also experiencing reactions from family, friends, and partners, with some euphoric highs and some disappointing lows. It is no secret then that our loved-ones, platonic or otherwise, may find themselves wondering what it means to be an effective supporter of a trans person they know and care about, especially during the time of their gender transition. If you can identify a loved-one with this description, hopefully this article can help you show them what it means to be a true ally in the life of the trans person(s) they love.
Before we discuss how we can help, we should try and find as simple a definition for the word “gender” as possible. The Canadian Institutes of Health Research define it as “the socially constructed roles, behaviors, expressions and identities of girls, women, boys, men, and gender diverse people.]” Put another way, gender can be and many times is a combination of how people feel, look, and express themselves whether it be through style, speech, thought, action, and even just how they feel about who they see in the mirror. How important gender is can and does vary widely from person to person in this writer’s experience.
When we speak about our trans loved-ones, friends, family, and significant others alike, it is very important we understand that, for them, their gender is important enough that they are willing to come out as trans and go through the process of transition. This can be (and many times is) a long, sometimes life long, journey for them. With that being said, we should therefore take care to be as gentle, patient, and respectful as possible, when engaging with the transitioning person on the topic of their personal journey. Here are five things to keep in mind in order to support your friend, adult child, or partner during their gender transition.
1. Don’t panic and don’t question it
“Don’t panic” may seem like a slightly obvious idea to most folks, but I’ve seen more than a few people become emotionally overwhelmed by a loved-one’s transition. Although a fear of change is totally natural, it is important to remember that this is a big moment in your loved-one’s life. The best way to help your child, your partner, or your loved-one at a time when they are coming out as trans is to remember they are still the same person you loved, just being more authentically themselves.
Supporting them in this moment looks like being a calm, consistent point on the horizon they can turn to if necessary, to guide them back home through the trials and tribulations of their journey. It is also essential to remember that this is a big deal for them—even more than it is for you—and to believe them when they come out. Using the person’s chosen pronouns, and not questioning their intentions are few very simple, decent ways to support them through their transition.
2. Center them in their transition
Going hand and hand with accepting your loved one’s new self-understanding, it is also good to keep in mind that this is their transition, not yours. Ultimately, although your feelings are valid, they are not only unnecessary to the conversation, but they may not be constructive. If you are wondering if you are centering your friend or family member, make sure you are asking questions like, “My partner came out, how do I support them?” or “I just wish I knew how to help my child through their transition.”
I find that the easiest first step is to center them in the conversation at all times when it comes to said transition. Asking your child, family member, partner, or friend what they’re feeling and what their needs are can be incredibly powerful, not only for them, but for you. Reaching out in this way, you will see that it can truly make a difference in a person’s experience during the transition process.
3. Learn about their identity
There will always be a gap of knowledge when you experience something new, and your loved-one’s transition is no exception. Parents may find themselves saying “My child is trans, what does that mean?” and yet have a difficult time moving into a place of understanding. If you’re struggling to understand what it means to be transgender, nonbinary, genderfluid, or gender non-conforming (GNC), Plume can help. Check out the free family and individual resources we offer, such as a Gender Terms Glossary and guides on Supporting Your Transgender Child. Educating yourself about your loved-one’s identity will help you come to understand, know and love the transgender community a little better. Then, the loved-one in your life will be someone you know a little better as well.
4. Be curious, but be cautious
You will have a lot of questions—not nearly as many as the person you love who is transitioning does, but definitely quite a few. There are ways in which asking questions can be a validating thing for a loved-one in your life. It can make them feel like you want to be a part of, and present for, this important moment in their life. However, just like when you were little and you would ask a rude question from a place of genuine, well-intentioned curiosity, remember that everyone has boundaries of their own. Invasive questions, especially about people’s bodies, tend to not only be rude, but to make them feel like a spectacle.
To avoid coming off as rude or potentially offending someone, I use a battery of tests to put a question through before I ask it.
- Do I need to know this in order to better support this person?
- Would the answer possibly embarrass the person I’m asking?
- Is this really my business, or should I let my loved-one tell me this in their own time?
These questions, along with a positive intention, will help you think twice before being overly invasive and possibly offending the person you love. Bear in mind that just because someone is transgender doesn’t mean they understand everything about gender, or why things are the way they are. Try to do your own research before putting the burden of educating you on your loved-one. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that this experience brings you closer, rather than creating miscommunication or misunderstanding between you.
5. Support your loved-one materially through their transition
The process of transition can be rather strenuous on a person. Transition can affect someone financially, in the amount of time it takes out of their life, and in the myriad of resources they need in order to proceed through this personal journey. This means that one of the best ways we can support the trans people in our lives who we love is by helping them connect with the resources they need to continue through their transition.
If you’re not sure where to start, Plume can help. You might share with them some of our resources, including How to Change Your Name and Gender Marker, Vocalization Exercises to Transform Your Voice, Gender-Affirming Care When Your Gender is Nonbinary, and resources for testosterone and estrogen gender-affirming hormone therapy. Helping the person you love find the resources they need during their time of transition not only is some of the biggest ways in which you can support them, but it can be the difference between misery and happiness.
These five suggestions will help you begin the journey of learning to truly support the trans loved-one in your life. Your commitment to being an ally is so important—so keep trying, learning, and showing up for the person you love. As with any venture in your life, it is important to remember that nobody gets things right the first time. Be patient and kind with yourself, and you will see the difference it makes not only in your life, but in the lives of the trans people you know and love.
Micah Fletcher (they/them) is an award-winning poet whose writing appears in NAILED Magazine and other publications. Fletcher lives in Portland, Oregon.
As the largest provider of gender-affirming care for the trans and nonbinary community, Plume is committed to providing information about many types of information, including questions about hormones like estrogen and testosterone, gender transitioning tips and experiences, and guidance on social transition and self care.
While we strive to include a diverse range of voices and expertise, not everything will be for every person. Each individual’s experience is unique, and the information Plume provides is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Always first seek the advice of your primary and/or specialist physician, the Plume Care Team, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, your mental health and emotional needs, or your health care needs regarding gender-affirming hormone therapy. If you are experiencing an emergency, including a mental health crisis, call 911 or reach out to Trans LifeLine.
